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| Topic: Certainly brought a smile to my face | ||
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| THIS IS A COPY OF A GENUINE LETTER SENT TO DAVID MILLIBAND................... NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARKFARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT Rt Hon David Miliband MP Secretary of State. Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA), Nobel House 17 Smith Square London SW1P 3JR 16 July 2009 Dear Secretary of State, My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business. In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these? As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases? Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear? I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)? In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election. Yours faithfully, Nigel Johnson-Hill | ||
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| Reply #1 | |
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| Posted : 27/03/10 | |
| Love it! Yet another example of how this government is throwing our hard earned tax payments away on assinine policies! I wonder if I could make a claim for not acting and if I could actually make more money as a resting actor than I could as a working actor! | |
| Reply #2 | |
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| Posted : 29/03/10 | |
| Should that be porcine policies? | |
| Reply #3 | |
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| Posted : 29/03/10 | |
| Pork barrel politics? *ouch* | |
| Reply #4 | |
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| Posted : 29/03/10 | |
| Amanda thanks for posting, it brought a laugh to a very stressful day. | |
| Reply #5 | |
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| Posted : 29/03/10 | |
| The Monster Raving Loonies had a whole dialogue with Europe over setting aside tables in a pub to lie fallow and gain subsidy. Letters were plastered all over a pubs wall in Montacute, Somerset (Nr Yeovil) about this. The European department took it all in good humour and a very funny dialogue in letters ensued. Hope the Pub hasn't changed hands! This was back before this govt got in power in the early 90's. Crazy farming politics in europe have been around for years!! | |
| Reply #6 | |
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| Posted : 19/07/10 | |
| That's fantastic. I wonder if David Miliband ever replied? | |
| Reply #7 | |
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| Posted : 20/07/10 | |
| Hi Mand!! I was raised and worked on my fathers farm....and the day TED HEATH marched this country into the Common Market, my Dad said: "that's British farming F..ked!" He was dead right.....there are heaps of these sorts of stupid farmer policies in place. The "SET ASIDE" policy...being just one: Please do not farm your land...and we will pay you per acre not to do so. Not only that … the "goverement...send up helicopters to make sure you are not farming it too! You couldn't write it! Still I am quite sure Cameron's "UNELECTED coalition, will save us all! Yeah right!! | |
| Reply #8 | |
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| Posted : 20/07/10 | |
| This made me smile- thanks! | |
| Reply #9 | |
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| Posted : 20/07/10 | |
| That's amazing! I too would like to join the business of not doing stuff. I am very versatile; I could not rear pigs, not grow crops, not act. Please someone inform me of the best gap in the market :). | |
| Reply #10 | |
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| Posted : 21/07/10 | |
| Ooooh Fay, I think you've found a new niche - the "Not Acting" market - maybe we could get funds from the EU to "lie fallow" for a few years? | |
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